p o d c a s t s

Fun fact: My favorite Saturday afternoon activity is laying in bed while listening to podcasts. Or, I crawl into bed extra early at night so I can listen to a few episodes before I fall asleep.

Below are a list of my current favorites:

  1. Dear Sugar Radio: I am a Dear Sugar/Cheryl Strayed cult follower 100 emoji. I was first introduced to Cheryl a few years ago when I read her book Tiny, Beautiful Things. Since then, I've tried to get my hands on anything she's involved with—especially this podcast, which she co-hosts with Steve Almond.

    Cheryl and Steve read letters from listeners and offer their best advice. Some topics I can’t relate to directly. However, those tend to be my favorite episodes because they open my mind to issues other people are struggling with (and I think we could all use a little open-mindedness these days, don’t you?). Other episodes make me jump out of my seat because YES! the last guy I dated *did* compartmentalize his life.

     
  2. Call Your Girlfriend: I have to give a ~shout out~ to Brooke Lyn for introducing me to this podcast. She mentioned it in a snap a few months ago, and like the troll that I am, I immediately checked it out. It was love at first listen.

    Released every Friday, it's hosted by Ann Friedman and Aminatou Sow. They tackle everything from Trump (they refer to Trump coverage as "Cheeto Watch" and that will never not make me laugh) to the downfall of Blac Chyna and Rob Kardashian-- and everything in between.

     
  3. Terrible, Thanks for Asking: If you spend any amount of time with me you know that I talk about Nora McInerny like her and I are old friends from elementary school. But, whatever-- if we grew up going to the same elementary school, we would be friends. I know it!

    This podcast debuted last fall (and is currently on break while they record season two, so now is a good time to catch up on season one). Each episode tells the story of someone who has really gone through some shit. Many of us brush off the question, "How are you?" but this podcast allows people the chance to really answer it.
     

Other podcasts I've started listening to (but haven't listened to enough to give a full review of) are: Dinner Party Download, Why Oh Why, and The Hilarious World of Depression.

What are you listening to? Tell me!

let's stay in touch, shall we?

Guys...do you remember Bloglovin? Is that still a thing? Do any of you still use it?

 

I signed into my account last week for the first time in months. I have to admit that I marked everything as read (hundreds of posts) and then signed out because it was giving me anxiety.

 

But here's what-- a few of you have told me that you never know when I post because (I never do) you don't get updates. Well, now you can. Just scroll all the way down to the bottom of this page, type in your email address and click sign up.

You'll receive an email once a day on the days I do post (I'LL BE BETTER AT THIS, I PROMISE).

 

Deal?

how to fight the winter blues

Stay inside. Relax with a good book or movie and some comfy clothes. Start a new TV show, or take a nap. Relish in the fact that it’s cold outside and you are warm and safe in your home.

Invite coworkers to your house for dinner. Appreciate that you finally work with people you enjoy hanging out with outside of the office.

 

Go to Sephora and spray samples of perfumes you can't afford on a handful of test strips. Put your favorite one in your purse so whenever you open it, that's what you smell.

(^^ That was a trick I mentioned before. It still works, trust me.)

 

Paint your nails. Or don't. Go to sleep early. Or don't. Go out to dinner. Or don't. Just stop keeping score. You're going to be fine.

 

Cry. Cry as much as you want. Getting it all out helps.

 

Have nightly dance parties by yourself in your living room. Because 1) it’s (sort of) exercise and 2) it’s good for the soul.

But still remember to actually exercise. Endorphins truly are a thing! Use them to your advantage.

 

Host game nights. Don’t worry about not knowing any of the answers to Trivial Pursuit. 

 

Eat pizza. Lots of it.

 

Let your friends in on a little secret-- maybe you're not doing as well as you appear to be. Ask them to participate in a ridiculous activity that will cheer you up. Be thankful for the ones who do. Be extra thankful for the ones who agree to make t-shirts and bring temporary tattoos.

 

Remember that the snow will melt, the temperatures will rise and as cliche as it sounds, this too shall pass.

 

 

 

And then go get yourself another slice of pizza. You deserve it.

End point.

I always had a gut feeling you were lying.

 

The entire time I was with you, there was rarely a second I didn’t feel that way.

Lying about where you were and what you were doing. Who you were talking to. Or not talking to.

After meeting you, two of my guy friends asked if you really were who you said you were. They thought for sure you had a family back home—a wife and kids you send money to, while you stay here and fuck American girls for fun.

I defended you, just so you know. Defended you while trying to ignore that uneasy feeling I had about you since day one.

Because I really liked when your hand reached for mine every time we watched TV, or walked out of a restaurant. Or that one time you let your arm go completely numb so we could hold hands in the movie theater.

 

This is what I remember when I’m sad. The little things that come flooding back the second I let my guard down.

I think about kissing you goodbye, and hello and good morning. I think about you looking over and laughing at me because even though it was always my idea to watch a horror film, I closed my eyes the second I thought blood was coming.  I think about every night we sat out on your balcony—how the first time it was not quite spring and I eventually caved and asked for a blanket.  How when we finally went inside and sat down on your couch, you took my hand for the first time and said, “You’re so cold!”

 

How summer turned those nights into unbearable heat—cold beer being the only thing to cool us down. I think about watching your neighbor come home every night—the one with the flower magnets all over her car, and the hula-hoops in her garage.

By the last time I was there, I sat with my hands curled up into the sleeves of my sweater.

Three seasons had passed.

I count how long I knew you by the seasons.

Meeting you in the spring. Falling for you in the summer. Leaving you in the fall.

 

I told you I wasn’t happy—the last time I saw you, when I came to get the guitar, I told you I wasn’t happy, either. And that I had typed you a message but never hit send because you were away and because I didn’t want to be the girl who ended it with a text.

And then you were the guy who did.

 

It made me so angry. Not because I deserved more than a half-assed text with little explanation (I did, though, and you know it) but because I didn’t do it first. Because I let my finger hover over the send button on my phone two and half weeks prior and didn’t follow through.

It would have been letting you off the hook, or so I thought.

Instead, I asked you to call me. I had every intention of talking about it, but you sounded so happy, so carefree. I barely got a word in because you were so distracted talking about your work trip and the restaurants you went to and the shows you saw.

That was our last phone call. The last time we really spoke.

 

I wasn’t sure what to write about the ending of things—except that I knew that I had to. There’s a line from a White Stripes song that goes, “The words are going to bleed from me and I will think no more.” That’s what’s been going around and around in my head as I’ve been typing this, as I’ve been thinking about what I never said but still want to-- I have to get the words out.

 

So, here it goes:

I saw the Tinder app on your phone long before I ever mentioned it. I saw it on there after I did. Ignorance is bliss and I wanted so badly to remain blissful.

If you don’t like drama, I suggest you stop creating it.

There’s a part of me that feels bad for you—moving around so much over the past few years has prevented you from putting down roots. Or maybe you just don’t want to, I can’t be sure.

Another part of me wants to hit you with a car.

Do yourself a favor and stop dating until you know what you want.

Tell the next girl that she looks beautiful. Or that you like the way her perfume smells. Buy her flowers. Let her make you dinner. Do all the things you didn’t do for me.

Stop lying. To yourself and everyone else.

I really want you to regret this. I want you to wake up one morning, two months or two years from now, and think to yourself, "Wow, I really fucked that one up. I had a good girl and I lost her." I want you to hurt and feel empty the way I do now. And then I want you to take all of that loneliness and regret and shame and use it as a reminder to never treat someone the way you treated me, ever again.

One last thing...

 

I'm okay.

Quote, Unquote: The end of writer's block.

"If I approach a situation as the casual, cool girl then that's how I'm treated. So I approached this with him as something serious. I told him that last May. Hey, I want something serious and if you don't, that's your choice but I'm not your girl. And yet I was still discarded, months later-- via text, no less.

My sister-in-law has said for years that if she were a guy, she would date me. I'm fun, I'm pretty, I have a good job and a good family and a good head on my shoulders, so she doesn't understand why I'm still single. And I said that guys don't think like that. To guys who aren't ready or who think they are but turns out they aren't (like the last one), I'm a fucking freight train. And I'm barreling through.

But the thing is... I am all of those things. And so are you. So that's what makes the whole "it's them, not us" thing even worse. Because what I am supposed to do? What are you supposed to do? Lose your job? Get knocked up and hope some other guy comes along to support you? Those are extremes, but if doing all of the perceived right and good things aren't working, then what the fuck will?" - me, in a text message to a friend

checking in // december

feeling | Better than I've felt in a long time. 

watching | 'tis the season of television-- The Walking Dead (why is Negan so hot?), Shameless, The Affair. Added to the list of favorites-- Divorce, Westworld, and Stranger Things.

listening to | I would just like to go on record and say that it's a literal hate crime that The Lumineers released Blue Christmas as a single, but aren't releasing an entire Christmas album.

reading | Just finished Big Little Lies (in three days flat-- my attention span is back, y'all) and I plan to read The Dinner next... just as soon as I find it. Why I do lose everything?

getting excited about | 2k17. Enough said.

making | Presents for some of my co-workers. lolol wish me luck.