RHOBH Recap - Guest Post!

My good friend Kelsey is back with her thoughts on season two of RHOBH and this week's episode.
Enjoy, mother effers! And you're welcome.

Kelsey :)

I decided to put my ‘two cents’in about this episode in a different way from the last time I guest-blogged—this time I am ‘penning’ my exact thoughts, right from my brain to the page. A‘stream of consciousness’, if you will. (Shout out to me for still using 11thgrade English Regents vocab correctly) Let’s get this thing going... Okay, Lisa, while you say you do not the wedding to be too big and that you are trying to keep it ‘intimate’— I urge you to look around at the gaudy monstrosity you are building in your backyard… filled with thousands of roses and giant glass vases and diamond and calla lily- encrusted chandeliers. THIS IS INTIMATE? I would love to see what you consider over-the-top. And why do you keep referring to this as ‘OUR’ dream wedding…who is getting married? A little MotherOfTheBrideZilla…amirite? (Side note...any readers who are at all scientifically inclined, please contact me directly and riddle me this-- how the $#%* do you air condition an open tent? I digress).

Excuse my Pay-Per-View language, but WTF? Was there really thatlittle going on in the lives of Paul and Adrienne this week that the best they can give us is following them to get a colonoscopy? LOL. Come on Bravo. We know half of this stuff is staged anyway- so make them do something a little more exciting next time. I am literally fast -forwarding over the rest of this scene…do these people have no shame? Do they not have mothers? No mild-to-severe case of second hand embarrassment? Because that’s what I have right now and I am not the one discussing my enema on national television. There are probably so many funny jokes I could make about this whole scene but I just can’t stomach it... Insert gastroenterology joke here.

I really want to be outraged about the lavishness of Pandora’s wedding, but there is nothing I love more than weddings. Despite my cold, cynical, and sarcastic exterior- I really am a sap at heart. Come to think of it, I would have been sorely disappointed if it was a traditional white-bread church wedding. Wait; did I miss the episode where the Asian guy from The Hangover was hired as the wedding planner? Not the same guy? Oh. My bad.

MORE (shirtless) MAURICIO NEXT SEASON OR I STOP WATCHING! JK. But really, I need more of that man candy, stat. Another side note, how the *&^% does the man not own a black suit? You are super sexy, have a gorgeous wife, a killer job, and live in Beverly Hills. Invest in a tux for next season, baby cakes. Just spent the last 90 seconds picturing Mauricio in a tux… now, cut to: me LITERALLY losing my mind laughing over the TRIPLET MAKEUP ARTISTS. This was, unquestionably, the highlight of the episode for me. I know it was not intended for it to be this funny, but I didn’t sleep much last night… and if you saw it, you would think it was funny too. So shut the hell up. Lastly, of all people to not agree to sign the confidentiality releases…the PREIST? So awkward having a floating blurred head in the middle of every shot of the ceremony.

Thanks for reading!!! J

I have to say, the scene where Paul was all drugged up, worrying about the air that was escaping from his behind, was quite possibly my favorite scene in any housewives history. I hit rewind about three times, not. even. kidding. I couldn't stop laughing. There's nothing funnier than drugs and farts. Ohhh, but it wasn't a fart ...it was air. That didn't smell at all, right? :) Okay, Paul, wbatever you say.

Thank you, Kelsey!