RHOBH Recap!

I know, I know...I never did a recap for last week's episode. #SorryIHaveALife.

Just kidding, I don't have a life! Anyways, let's recap that episode in one word: build up. Okay, technically that's two words, but whatever, you get the point. Last week's episode was build up for this week's. I hate fluff episodes, even though they are sometimes necessary. What I hate even more is that this week's episode was kinda-sorta build up, too. At least build up for Kyle's tears because she never seems to actually cry any. AmIriiight?

Nice try.

Let's start with Taylor, for once. Whoever made the comment about Taylor leaving Russell because she wanted to be invited to parties, almost made me pee my pants. That was probably a good 50% of the reason. The other 50% may have had something to do with whatever Taylor was hiding behind her awful bangs. I'm sorry, did she have Kennedy cut her hair to hide the bruise/cut Russell left on her face? That's what it looked like to me, at least.

Kim's ugly boyfriend took up a significant amount of screen time in this episode. While Mauricio was running around without his shirt on, we all had to suffer through this scene...

And this one...

And let's not forget this one...

I care. I care that you're ugly and wasting my time. Sorry, guys, let me cleanse your palette with this:

Dayyy-ummm. PLEASE DON'T HIT ME, KYLE! My bangs aren't as long as Taylor's.

The vacation in Hawaii is beautiful. I wish I had that kind of time and money to be able to take one myself. The only corny part was the music and the slow-mo action Bravo did every time the group entered a room where they were going to have dinner. The music cued, the camera panned, and both times it was just a table with some plates, glasses, and silverware. I wasn't impressed. I've seen a four-year-old's birthday party have a better tablescape than that (ie: Kennedy's tea party extravaganza).


But the topic of conversation is what made the dinner exciting. I considered taking a shot every time Kim said, "We had a lovely lunch" but I quickly realized I would be drunk in 10 minutes and I wouldn't be able to remember the rest of the episode. So then I thought about toasting every time she said, "Everything happens for a reason" but I was too baffled by her own reasoning to find my vodka.

"Everything happens for a reason" is a quote that is used is situations like, "You and your boyfriend of four years broke up because you were ready to settle down and he wasn't, but chin up, because everything happens for a reason."

Kim, the only reason why you missed the first plane and then missed the boat (literally - ha ha ha), is because you were drunk, or high, or drunk and high. Way to tell everyone that Ken had to work, despite the fact they they all know he's retired. If the truth really was that she couldn't find her passport/license/sanity, then why not just say it? Let's get real, anyone catch the Corona bottle she was holding on her way down to the bus that left without her and her Ken doll? She's off the wagon.

Reddd, reddd wiiinneeee.

Cheers to next week, Kim! Or, as Andy Cohen would say, Mazel!