RHONJ Recap: Episode 5

If I took a shot for every time Juicy Joe swore, I would have been drunk within the first 3 minutes of the episode last night. I'm assuming he needs to run his mouth like that because he's 5'4.

Moving on...

Watching Lauren's sad attempt at the driving range explains why she's choosing anorexia instead of working out. The only thing she did was talk, and pull at her shirt. Someone (I'm looking at you, Albert) needs to pay for her to have surgery so we don't have to listen to her bitch. Have you ever heard the saying, "That salad won't help your face" ...well, in this case, that salad won't help her personality.

Speaking of shitty personalities, listening to Gia try to talk Teresa into buying her a training bra was sad. I felt bad for two reasons. One, because they had this conversation while dressed like this:

Let's talk about birds, bees, and bandanas.

And two, because Gia's worried about her flat chest, inside of being worried about Teresa being arrested for allowing Gia to use a tanning bed.


Fast forward to field day, and I no longer feel bad for Gia. I'm going to start off by saying that the idea of a field day makes me want to curl up into a ball and die. No, thank you. This may come as a huge surprise, but I'm not a fan of organized sports. My apathetic personality speaks volumes as to why I'm not competitive. 

I would be drinking in the bouncy house.

 Gia freaks out because "Zio Joe" cheats, and I want to smack her. In all fairness, it did look like he cheated; however, like Juicy Joe, Joe Gorga is five-foot-nothing and needs to cheat to feel better about himself. Gia will understand that in a few years when she's taller than both her father and her uncle.
Having Antonia on his shoulders makes him the 6'2 man he's always dreamed of being.

Gia is obviously extremely competitive. I'm assuming, like most kids, she is always allowed to win. That's the one thing I never did when I was a nanny. If I was playing a board game, I never allowed let the little girl win. She cried like Gia when I kicked her ass at Sorry #sorrynotsorry

Does she even know what Christian Grey would do if he saw her roll her eyes?

I find it extremely ironic that Lauren is the one who is all, "I don't want to deal with this drama! I just want to have a good time!" because I'm willing to bet, Lauren was a sore fucking loser when she was Gia's age. #lesbehonest, Lauren was picked last in gym class last every.single.time.

"I just want to eat! But I can't! So I'm going to yell!"
Check back next week for another guest post!