Friday's Letters


Dear People Who Stopped Following My Blog,

I'm guessing you will never read this, because you've decided to stop following me, but I'm going to write to you anyway. Why did you stop? Is it because I talk about drinking and/or my sexcapades? I'm assuming if you do not drink or have sexcapades, than you cringe at my every word.

Or maybe it's because I mentioned my period. GASP. If I posted I was pregnant, I would have received a million "congrats!" comments. Instead I post about my period, and people are shocked; some even decided to leave. Last time I checked, periods and pregnancy are both related to sex; or the lack of sex, in my case. Maybe I'll stop following people when they announce they are pregnant...or maybe I'll take a picture of myself holding a sign that says "DUE IN ONE WEEK" because I have PMS, cramps, and the urge to eat salt, dipped in chocolate, with a side of fruit roll ups.

Listen, I'm not trying to be an asshole (okay, maybe a little) but if we're going to celebrate pregnancies, why do you have to hate on me and my period?

OR maybe people stopped following because they went to jail. Maybe that's it.

Dear People Who Still Follow My Blog,

I assume you all have guns and crack, you nutcases. I know I've been talking about having a giveaway for a while now, but I was going to wait until I got to 100 followers. Apparently, that's never going to happen, and I'm okay with it. So I'm going to have a giveaway when I reach 88 followers.

Holy shit, I reached 88 followers! Time for a giveaway. Please check back Monday for all the dirty details.

PS: The crack and guns comment is from a movie. Be the first to name the movie and I will send you a prize.

Dear Jon Hamm,

You encompass all of my favorite qualities in a man; tall, dark, and old. YES, I love old guys. I DO.  I like to think that you've never married your long-time girlfriend because you've been waiting for me. Well, here I am. Please note that my eggs are fresh, so if you'd like to have babies, ditch that old hag and call me.

(See, I really do want to have kids. I just want them with Jon Hamm - can you blame me?)