Back in the RHOBH Groove...

It was after I wrote this post last year that I decided I loved blogging. It takes my crazy inner fangirl and allows her to shout opinions about those crazy Housewives all over the Internet. My dream job would be to co-host WWHL with Andy Cohen. Dream big, right? Right.

Anyway, last night was the season premiere of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. I was so damn excited. So excited that I fell asleep before it was over, but I'm going to blame that on Daylight Savings Time. I missed the last 5 minutes, so nothing too terrible.

For this recap, I'm just going to discuss each girl and decide whether or not I would invite them to my birthday party, Porita style:

I love her and the fact that she can't properly pronounce anything with the letter "r" in it.

Let's start with Lisa, and her main man, Giggy. I say Giggy is her man because she would rather have her new BFF Brandi sleep with her husband than do it herself.

I don't understand the friendship she has with Brandi - does Lisa feel bad for her? I really don't get it. I'm waiting for them to turn on each other, because I feel like it's bound to happen.

But let's talk about her house...

How insane is it? And her closet?  I'm not a fashionista, but I saw an entire wall full of black clothing. I die.

As for her fight with Adrienne, were they ever really close friends anyway? Neighbors, yes. But actual friends?

Giggy can come to my birthday party.

Lisa can host it at Sur.

I can't find a picture, but how fitting that in Brandi's first scene, she's not wearing a bra? Classic. Actually, I'm not sure if she had a bra on in any scene from last night's episode. I honestly think she doesn't own one.

She's a wildcard, so I'm not sure how this season is going to be for her. I'm glad that she is finally an official housewife, instead of just being interviewed. I really wanted to see her house...but now that they showed it? Not impressed.

I can't keep track of who she is fighting with - pretty much everyone besides Lisa, right? I remember her pissing a lot of people off last season, but I didn't think she pissed everyone off. Either way, she keeps the drama flowing and I could not be happier.

She can come to my party as long as she wears a bra. Which won't happen. But I do love that yellow dress over there...

Kim is back. And sober. But still effing crazy.

So, it apparently wasn't the booze that made her a non-committal, crazy pants person, who names her daughter after herself? Poor Kimberly...and I don't care if your aunt is Kathy Hilton - don't wear that fugly white dress to prom, ok?

But back to Kim...the mother. I feel like there could be a great montage of all the scenes where she says, "I can't go, I'm moving this weekend" or "It's rare that all of my children are together, so I have to spend time with them this weekend."

Um, it's not rare if it happens all.the.time.

I'll be honest though much as I love Portia, going to a child's birthday party is so damn boring.

I invited Kim to my party, but she said she's moving that day.


To quote Clueless, "She's a full on Monet."

What's a Monet, you ask?

"It's like a painting, see? From far away, it's OK, but up close, it's a big old mess."

Emphasis on old.

Anyone who is picking pink flowers for their husband should be shot. Oh, wait, that makes her a romantic right? Gross. Just gross.

Maybe I'm being a little judgmental (har har har) because in all of the previews for this season, she looks like a Debbie.

Maybe she'll end up being cool and I'll love her and feel bad that I called her a hag as soon as she showed up on the screen?

Doubt it. She's not invited to my party.

Adrienne is a classic example of, "Money can't buy you happiness."

That girl is NEVER happy.


Like, ever.

(Imagine me saying that in my best Taylor Swift voice)

Money also can't buy her (soon to be ex) husband, Paul, new lips. Eweweweweewewew. No wonder she wants to divorce him. I wouldn't want him coming near me with those things.

Anywho, I love that she was snubbed by Lisa and wasn't invited to the anniversary party. I super love that Taylor was dumb enough to invite her to go shopping for it.

Since my party is going to be a Sur, I guess I'm going to have to snub her, too.

PS: No hair glitter this season??

I don't like Kyle for one reason...

Because she's married to Mauricio. SWOON. Could he be any hotter? Okay, guys, no one tell Chris Laurita I said that, alright?

What kind of car did he buy Kyle? I don't even know. I just know that it probably cost more than my life insurance policy.

My friends and I get that excited about a car if someone buys a freakin Camry.

Back to Kyle.

She's on my list of people who I would scalp. No extensions? And she just uses Pantene? Hmm, smells like someone is fishing for an endorsement deal.

I don't care that she's fighting with Kim, but I can't wait to see her fight more with Brandi.

She's coming to the party, for sure.

Oh my God, Becky...look at her FACE. What in the heeeeeel?

Congrats to Taylor for gaining those 10 pounds. Congrats to her for finding peace after Russel's death by way of face injections.

I guess she needed some filler to match those huge lips of hers?

I still don't like her.

And her new tagline?

"I've worked too hard for this zip code to go home now."

How exactly has she worked hard? Because she married someone with money? Because she was a housewife and went on a show about housewives? Not exactly a stretch...

Maybe she'll change my mind this season...who knows.

But she's not invited to my party.

Tell me your thoughts! I'm a little upset that Camille won't be an "official" housewife this season, because I did end up really liking her last year. Apparently, she'll still be on regularly.

Phew. I'm tired. Good thing I can squeeze in a nap before WWHL tonight.