Conversations with Linda.

If you know my mom, you know that she's 5'4 of adorable.
What you might not know is the shit she says to me regularly.

Here we go.

Linda: I saw (name of certain guy here) yesterday at breakfast, and he didn't have a wedding ring on.
Me (sarcastically): That's great, Mom.
Linda: Do you want me to ask his mother if he has a girlfriend?
Me: Not necessary.
Linda: Do you want me to try to find out on Facebook?
Me: Mom, please. You don't know how to use Facebook, so don't even try.

A few weeks later...

Linda: I ran into (name of certain guy)'s mom the other day and I asked if he had a girlfriend.
Me: Why would you do that?
Linda: She said that he did, but she doesn't think it's going to last.
Linda: So, he's available.

Linda: Do you have a sewing kit?
Me: No, I don't know how to sew.

Linda: I wouldn't care if you accidentally got pregnant.
(30 seconds of stunned silence, followed by...)
Me: That's the only way I'd ever get pregnant - on accident.

Me: I'm doing a 5k in May with Sam.
Linda: You're what? Have you been running?
Me: Not yet. I'm waiting until it warms up a little bit.
Linda: You should probably start soon.
Me: When is the last time you went for a run?

Linda: Do you have any empty Coors Light bottles? I need some for a project.
Me: No, I only like it in the can.
(waiting for her to pick up on the innuendo) (she doesn't)
Linda: What about empty liquor bottles?

Isn't she lovely?