"It all started with a chair..."

I woke up Sunday morning and decided that I needed to replace the camping chair that's been in my living room for the past two years. Since I can't seem to find a hammock chair to my liking, I figured I would get an Adirondack chair in the interim. This one, to be exact.

So I went to Target, bought the chair, awkwardly carried it out to my car, only to find that it would not fit. Like, no matter what I did, or how I moved it, the damn thing would not fit into my car.

And as I tried, unsuccessfully, to fit the chair through my passenger side door, I unknowingly hit the lock button. So when I slammed the door closed, I immediately heard the sound of all of the doors locking.

With my keys...and my phone...inside.

I'm kinda known for locking my keys in my car- it's why my parents renew my AAA membership as part of my birthday present each year. But locking my phone in my car, along with my keys? That's a new one- even for me.

If you've ever done this, you know how fast panic takes over. The Target I went to is roughly 5 minutes away from my house, and I quickly came to conclusion that I would die in that parking lot. They would section off where my car was, and have a make-shift memorial that people would put flowers on. There'd be a sign that read: Here lies Alissa, our most loyal customer. We'll miss you, bae.

When I snapped out of it, I noticed that a girl was parking not too far away from me, so I slowly strolled over, SO I DIDN'T LOOK LIKE A WILD ANIMAL, and kindly asked if I could borrow her phone because OH MY FUCKING GOD, I JUST LOCKED MINE IN MY CAR, ALONG WITH MY KEYS, AND WOULD YOU LIKE TO GIVE A SPEECH AT MY FUNERAL, CAUSE I'M ABOUT TO DIE.

She quickly handed over her phone, and I dialed my parents- because that's what any 28 year old woman would do, amiright? Oh, you'd probably call your husband first? Never mind.

They didn't answer.

So I tried my mom's cell phone - no dice.

I called their house again and I left this voice mail, verbatim: "Hi, it's Alissa. I locked my keys and my phone in my car, and I'm at Target, and I'm borrowing some really nice girl's phone to call you, but hello? Are you there? Hello? Please pick up if you're there. Anyone? No? Oooookay." Click.

At this point, it started to rain.

I'm not even joking.

So this very nice girl who just let me use her phone, offered to drive me to my house, by saying, "How far away do you live? I can drive you there! I promise I'm not a crazy person."

I mean, she was driving a Camry. That's, like, a mom's car. I totally trusted her.

I accepted the ride.

But, see, the problem with the Camry is that it's about the same size as my car, which means the chair wasn't going to fit in there either. I had to walk it back to Customer Service and promise I would be back to get it before they closed because, "...like, we, like can't hold it, um, overnight."

Okay, dude. I got it. I just said I'd be back in a half hour.

On the way to my house, my new friend and I discovered that we went to the same college (this conversation was prompted by her asking me if I was in school, and me saying, "NO, BUT DO I REALLY LOOK LIKE I COULD BE?") but I graduated two years ahead of her. We also bonded over the fact that we both need new brakes but are lazy AF and don't feel like spending the money.

I thanked her a thousand times over and had her drop me off at my parents' house (which, if you don't know, is right next to mine) because they have a house phone and SURPRISE, I do not. I immediately called the only other person whose number I have saved to memory - my sister-in-law.

Her and my brother quickly offered to drive me back to Target to fetch my car and my chair, but just as I was about to hang up, my parents pulled into the driveway. I went flying out into the garage, looking something like this, and explained my story to them.

After I got done shaming my mother for not answering, she responded with, "Well, you should have texted me from her phone."

Woman was lucky it was Mother's Day or else I would have LUNGED.

My father drove me back to Target in his truck, retrieved my chair for me, while I got back into my car using my spare set of keys.

For the record- I deleted that voice mail off of my parents' answering machine before they had a chance to hear it, and shame me with it for years to come. I mean, the shrill of my voice...it was horrifying.