On Choosing Happiness

I've always found this quote to be, well, bullshit.

Corny, you know?

Until I found myself in a funk that's lasted the better part of this summer. A funk that has no reason to stick around, and yet I can't. find. a way. to shake it.

Something about going back and forth-- from work to weekends away, back to work again. Back to reality again.

I said this to my yoga instructor last month after I returned home from Red Rocks. I told her how hard it is to come back to reality, after being in a state of euphoria for three nights, surrounded by people who get it.

She replied with, "Well, that's a reality, too. Just a different reality than the one you're in now."

And she was right, of course.

But it doesn't make it any easier to adjust when I return home.

I used to hate living here. I wanted out more than anything, and started to apply for jobs out of state, thinking that being offered a new job, in a new city, in a new state would save me from the position I was in here.

But that wasn't the case.

I accepted a job locally at the end of the last summer, and everything, including my happiness, started to fall into place. 

I would travel out of state over the weekend, and scream, "I'VE MISSED YOU, GIRL!" at the Welcome to New York sign on the side of the road upon my return (I still do that, for the record-- just ask Kelsey).

So why this funk? Why have I woken up, day after day this summer, and thought about calling into work, about not going to spin later that night, about canceling plans with friends so that I can stay home instead?

I don't know. I don't know, other than knowing that I haven't been choosing happiness.

Nothing is harder - nothing is harder for me - than coming home on a Sunday after spending the weekend on the road, hearing my favorite band play, interacting with people who understand why these individuals mean so much to me, why I travel so much to see them -- and thinking, "I feel like I just left part of myself behind."

And I think there's something to that. I believe their are opportunities for me to take something I truly enjoy as a hobby, and turn it into something I can make a career out of.

No, don't expect me to drop an album next year. Christ, no one should have to hear me sing. Here's an open apology to anyone who has ever stood next to me at a concert and tried to record a video- I AM SORRY I RUINED IT.

But there's something to it nonetheless.

And I'm not going to get anywhere with a bad attitude.

So before I got out of bed on Monday morning, I said to myself, "Just be happy today, okay? If nothing else, just be happy."

We'll see how this goes. Maybe it's not bullshit after all.