Modern Woman

Kelsey and I had another visit last week from our Nashville buddy, Matt Haeck. Who knew he liked us enough to reach out to us about coming back? Just kidding, we're fucking rad.

I was less stressed about him being here for a second time- this happens with pretty much anyone I meet. The first time you come to my house, I'm a ball of nerves. The second time you show up, you can get yourself your own drink and whatever you want out the fridge, because I'm not getting up from my chair.

My critternet ("What's a critternet?" - Tiff ) has been dropping the WiFi signal in my house for the past, oh, I don't know...6 months or so? Instead of taking the modem and router back to Time Warner Cable to get replacements, I've spent my time bitching about not having Internet and taking Snapchats of that dreaded orange light with captions like, "I'M A GOOD FUCKING PERSON, I DON'T DESERVE THIS."

But Matt's arrival meant I needed to get serious about it. The last time he was at my house, he fell asleep watching Mike Birbiglia's My Girlfriend's Boyfriend stand-up special on Netflix, and I couldn't let him down by not having Internet.

I took the defective equipment to TWC on my lunch break last week and was given a 3-in-1 modem/router/I guess phone jack? I'm not really sure. The girl was mumbling, and I was Snapchatting stupid shit to Kelsey, not paying attention to anything else. I was in a little bit of disbelief that ONE piece of equipment could do ALL of that, but I was more worried about getting back to work and reading a couple chapters of Breaking Dawn (the last Twilight book, for you noobs) before my break was over.

When I got home that night from work, I tried hooking the thing up and TO NO AVAIL, I could not get the WiFi to work. Hardwired the Internet was fine, but I don't have a laptop, and my iMac is on the opposite side of the living room as my Internet connection. High five for not thinking that one through when the house was redone.

While I was on the phone with a really nice - probably not from the United States - TWC woman, I cracked open a 22oz Twisted Tea. This woman sounded like she was about 4'11", weighing in at roughly 90 pounds, but I trusted her, you know? I really thought she could get my WiFi working.

Well, she couldn't.

So, in a blind, semi-buzzed panic, I texted Kelsey and asked if she could drive me to Walmart after she was done coaching basketball because I needed to buy a router and I needed to buy it RIGHT AWAY. But I couldn't drive myself because, to quote Beyonce, I've been drinking.

This was after I called my brother and left a very alarming voicemail along the lines of, "OH MY GOD, MY INTERNET ISN'T WORKING AND WHY AREN'T YOU ANSWERING ME?" It was 2001 all over again, when my parents' modem broke and we had to wait TWO DAYS for TWC to make a house call. I'm a survivor, that's all I can really say about that.

By the time Kelsey and I got to Walmart, the Twisted Tea had hit my empty stomach and my head, and I was laughing at myself for being kind of drunk in a Walmart on a Monday night. What is my life?

When we got back to my house, I took the new router out of the packaging and called TWC because I thought that's what I had to do to get it working. I explained my case, and he told me how to hook the Netgear router up to the modem, and how to login to the WiFi on my computer. What he neglected to tell me until after I couldn't get the WiFi to work was that he's "not technically trained on Netgear routers."

If you've ever hooked up a new router, you know that they come with a generic password. He kept telling me to double check that I had the password correct, and I kept telling him that I did. At this point Kelsey whispered from across the room (I think she was scared to come any closer): "What is the password?" To which I said, "I don't know...butt trumpet or something."

It was actually rockytrumpet275.

I'm trying really hard not to snap at people. It's something I've been working on and *I think* I've been pretty good about it lately. But as soon as he said he wasn't trained on Netgear routers, I lost it. I'm not even sure what exactly I said to him besides, "DO I EVEN NEED YOUR HELP TO HOOK THIS UP OR CAN I DO THIS ON MY OWN?"

On my own, he said. I immediately hung up on him.

I went back over to the router to double check that I had the password right and that's when I realized I had not only typed in the wrong numbers, but that I had also spelled trumpet wrong.

rockeytrumpt278 does not a WiFi connection make.

"Ohhhh, wait a minute, I think I spelled the password wrong," I said as Kelsey started laughing and calling me out for being the world's worst speller/human being.

Once I typed the correct password in, everything worked, and I did a victory lap around my living room and cracked open another Twisted Tea to celebrate.

My good mood only lasted a few minutes until I realized my father had instructed me to purchase the wrong size blinds for the front window of my living room. Every time I tried to hang them up, they would come crashing down. Kelsey was too busy playing the air fiddle to be of any assistance.

I knew it was too good to be true, the whole not being stressed about Matt coming back thing. So while I wasn't worried about my bathroom being clean enough, or the sheets on the guest bed having cat hair on them, I was deathly afraid the blinds would fall on anyone who sat near that window.

They didn't.

In other news, I've changed my WiFi password to butttrumpet247, so please feel free to connect to it the next time you're at my house getting your own food and drink while I'm Snapchatting in the living room.