I'm a big fan of Tumblr-- probably more than an almost 30 year old should be, but that's not the point. There are posts I've seen in my feed for the past couple of months that begin with the word "concept" and go on to explain the writer's idea of a perfect scenario.
concept: i am given more time to put my thought into words. there are no deadlines. there are no due dates. there is no more "being late". the value of people is no longer put on how quickly they can do something.
I search for these posts, read as many as I can, and have started to draft my own in my head. But I can't quite get it right. I can't quite figure out what my perfect concept is.
Sometimes it is me, alone, at ease without any responsibilities or tasks. Other times I'm with someone else-- a man whose face I may or may not recognize, but who is next to me offering comfort, a hand to hold, and, God willing, an all-telling sideways smirk because I've never known such a thing to undo me quite like that does.
And maybe that's the point. Maybe it's not supposed to always look the same. Life is a moving target, needs and wants are moving targets, and it isn't unusual for someone to get what they want only to keep wanting something more, something different.
Appreciating unanswered questions is something I've been working on recently. Not trying to figure everything out at once, to sit quietly in the unknown and be at peace with it, is difficult and not something that comes easy for me.
I like to know my place; how I fit into the equation. I like to know where I stand, at all times, with someone. I've come to the conclusion (and I may be wrong) that it involves the need for control of a situation, and that without that feeling of empowerment, I crumble. I second guess. I tend to give up.
And that's just not realistic. Knowing everything is not realistic, and, well, giving up is no longer realistic for me, either.
One week into this year I was shaken to my core, and when asked during a yoga class to pick an overarching theme for 2016 - to choose a word or phrase to describe it - I immediately decided on love.
Love, even when it felt like an impossibility.
Five months into the year, I still want that-- I'm still choosing love. But I'm adding another word to it, to complete my phrase.
Patience, love-- maybe that's my concept.