incomplete, part three

part one here // part two here

From 2017.


Sometimes I fear the sadness and doubt from last year has rooted itself so deep in my bones, it will continue to weigh me down until I drown.

I think it’s visible. I know I see when I look in the mirror.


I don’t get to see this girl very often -- in this case, it’s been months. So that means I spent part of tonight rehashing my recent life events, and ended up crying in a very crowded restaurant. But it’s okay – I’m okay. It’s not all smiles. It’s not all positive vibes and mantras. Sometimes it’s staying home for an entire weekend because the thought of having to put on make-up or do my hair or figure out something that slightly resembles an acceptable outfit is too much.  

 

I’ve found peace in various ways recently—distance, and boundaries, and the understanding (and acceptance) that sometimes, there isn’t a silver lining …no matter how hard you look for one.


I want to lay down, I want to feel close to the Earth—my center has shifted and I don’t know if I should follow it or try to bring it back to where it was before. Was it in the right place then? Or is it in the right place now and I just have to catch up to it?


Recently, he apologized. An apology that was more for his benefit than for mine. After the initial wave of vindication passed, I realized that even if he did mean it, it didn’t change anything.

Not a damn thing.