Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I went to college out of state.
Or moved after I graduated.
Or pursued that job offer in Ohio instead of taking the job I have now.
I wonder what would have happened if I had taken different risks.
Would I be happy? Would I feel more accomplished in my career? Would I be less concerned about keeping up with friends and family who are getting married and having children?
Would I be married and have children of my own?
Most days I'm content with my life. On one hand this gives me great comfort-- I thrive on consistency. I don't do well when things are wishy-washy, so to speak.
But on the other hand, I'm terrified. Terrified of things becoming too routine, too predictable.
Recently I've gotten into the podcast My Favorite Murder. I'm obsessed to say the least, but I'm not here to talk about true crime (or, at least not today).
On one episode they discuss the idea of "liminal space." If you have never heard of this concept, it's when you're in a place that's not your tried and true comfort zone, but not yet something else. Not yet a new comfort zone.
It's the space in between.
In between what's known and what's not yet known. It's being able to wait out the storm, and allow the chips to fall. It's knowing when to throw your hands up and let the winds of change play out as they may.
It's attempting to get your feet back on the ground, while everything is up in the air. Or, maybe, it's allowing yourself to float, for just a little while.
Over the course of the past few years I can pinpoint moments in my life where I was experiencing liminal space. The time spent creating a life for myself after I asked my boyfriend of five years to move out of our shared home. A year later, when I took a new job in a field I didn't know if I had any business being in.
And these life changes...well, they've all been for the best. They've all worked themselves out, even when I didn't know up from down or left from right. They taught me that not knowing what's next is sometimes for the best.
It allows you to put your trust in something more.
And hell if that isn't a wild feeling.
I still think about California, though. Something tells me I'll end up there eventually.
You can read a great article on liminal space here.