stream of consciousness: has anyone seen my focus?

I would probably benefit from seeing a therapist. We all would, in my opinion.

But until I get around to it, I'm sharing with you what's been on my mind. Maybe it will give a little insight on why things have been so quiet around here.

 

My focus is gone.

I feel like I'm being pulled in multiple directions and I'm dropping the fucking ball - at home, at work, with friends. Everything feels out of my control.

 

There's been issues with the plumbing at my house since the first weekend in January. It's fixed, to a certain degree, but until spring comes and more work can be done outside, I can't do any laundry.

Which means I'm dragging baskets of clothes to my parents' house, or my brother and sister-in-law's or the laundromat. Actually, Kelsey-- I know you're reading this. I'm going to bring some laundry to your house on Saturday, okay? Thank you!

 

There are more projects at work than ever before. There's also a shiny promotion and a new title dangling in front of me, but I'm too bogged down with everything else to focus on it.

I'm working on telling people no. Or that I can't right now. Or that I'll get to it, but not today. And possibly not tomorrow, either.

I suppose you would call that prioritizing. I call it feeling like I'm letting people down because I can't do it all.

 

Am I an asshole when I say I'm overwhelmed? Because isn't what I do with my life my own choice? There's no one I answer to, per say. No one I have to check in with before I make decisions. No one really depending on me for very much.

I'm not awake for midnight feedings with my newborn. I'm not juggling car pool schedules with my husband or my neighbors. I'm not worried about making cupcakes for the class because it's my child's birthday.

Compared to other people I know, don't I have it easy? And if so, why did I have a panic attack last week while I was waiting to get my fucking nails done?

 

One of my cats lost a tooth. It was loose, then it was sticking sideways out of his mouth, then it was on the floor in my living room. But he's acting fine - eating, drinking, playing, etc. just as he always does. Keep your fingers crossed for him. And also for me, because I live in fear of attempting to get him in a cage to bring him to the vet.

 

The only thing that doesn't feel out of control in my life is dating. No, not because I met The One ™. But because I don't have the time (or energy) to date. I've set a boundary, I've stuck with it, and it's been incredibly rewarding.

Just remind me of that when I'm trying to keep my shit together next week on Valentine's Day.